Just Me – Patti Diener / Author

Life in the Fast Lane

Juggling My Writing Life, Traveling, and Attempting to Appear Normal

I keep telling myself that I’m going to get a little part-time job to fulfill my need and desire to squirrel away some dough for my travel nest-egg. You know… play money. I mean, hubby and I are doing fine if I don’t, but I often feel guilty using our household money for my egocentric, self-absorbed, hairbrained ideologies of world travel, (for which The Mister has little interest in). But at the end of the day, my retired days are filled to the brim with activities that leave little to no room for me to work in a job.

What’s a girl to do?

Recently I went on a roadtrip with my hubby across part of the US on a three week adventure. You can see from the above photo of me that I took this journey very seriously. I figured if they didn’t want me on the dinosaur they shouldn’t have put a saddle on him. The Mister might not be super enthused about world travel but seeing the United States, he’s totally up for. This included fourteen states, seeing friends and family, a total eclipse, dodging storms, and witnessing the complications and dangers of breeding thoroughbred race horses. That’s an education you can never un-see again. As my brother-in-law pointed out, she doesn’t even get dinner and a movie first.

But in small snippets of time along the way, I was able to sneak in moments of solitude to finish up my novel, WILDFLOWER. I will share a draft of the first chapter in a coming blog post. This is a project I started back in September of 2023, and right after I returned home from our trip, within days I had my first draft completed. I cried of course. I usually do whenever I finish my first draft of a novel. Anyway, since I’m now in the editing stages, about to leave again for Arizona for my niece’s graduation, and then will embark on another solo journey up the coast of Oregon to see my first-born, who has the time to apply for a little three-day-a-week jobette?

Not this girl.

Another thing about being retired is the fact that some days arrive and I’m unsure of what day of the week we are on. The weeks driving without my schedule and structure, I seem to have become a bit crazed. Also, my house is now full of things we brought back from Kentucky, (boxes, furniture, and paperwork), that have been dropped off into corners and on tabletops left for “someday when we can get to it.” I try to go through a few boxes a day while returning to my writing schedule and picking up the pieces of business left unattended to after three weeks. But honestly, my house looks like some kind of highfalitin flea market, or an antique store with pieces of the past piled in places you have to weed through. I’m craving some order around here, but that will come in time.

In the meanwhile, my brain has been on some kind of awakening. Call it spring, call it monkey-mind, but my dreams have been crazy weird and seem to take up all night long, so that when I wake in the morning I feel as if I’ve been vacationing in another universe and not been alseep the last eight hours. Wild. I am forcing myself to walk during the day more, drink more water, and probably need to add some magnesium to calm my mind but I never think of these things until I’ve lost my noodle a bit. Either way, it makes for some interesting conversation, these wacked dreams.

I’m looking forward to querying agents about my new book though, so editing has been pretty exciting and fairly pleasureable. Most of the time I dread the editing but this go-around I’m having fun with it. I’ve also connected with some wonderful women in a new writing group. I cannot recommend writing groups enough. Getting that support and constructive critisism has always been crucial for me. I welcome input and have also been extremely fortunate to have had Jennifer Lynn Alvarez, (author of eleven novels, including YA thrillers LIES LIKE WILDFIRE, and FRIENDS LIKE THESE), as a personal friend who gives me honest and helpful feedback. If you are writing, find a group of people to bounce ideas off of. It’s invaluable.

So in the coming months, I will be sharing more about my latest book WILDFLOWER, the quest to find the perfect agent to represent it, and I promise to give you snippets from the early pages. Its another romance novel but moves away from the sweet style I wrote before in THE CLOCKTOWER of MAPLE CREEK. This one is darker and has more drama.

Like I always talked about when I recorded podcast episodes in BEAUTIFUL SECOND ACT, (which is still available to listen to), I encourage you to get out there and explore your own desires. To chase the things that light you up and make you feel excited to greet the day. Plan a trip with a friend. Get to know your community as if you were a tourist. Travel to a neighboring community and find out what fun things can be discovered, or start a new hobby. Life is a journey that is meant to be fully enjoyed. Be grateful for life’s simple pleasures as well as the wonderful milestones of your time. They are equally important.

And please know I truly appreciate your love and support as I maneuver through my own crazy path on this publishing journey. Without you, the readers, who would know about my wild imagination? I’m profoundly grateful.

Something Interesting Is Happening

It Took Me A While To Get Here

When I retired at the age of 53, most people thought I’d lost my mind. What the hell do you think you are doing? That was the reaction most people had until they realized I was serious, that I was done with public education and being a K-7 librarian just wasn’t what it used to be. Then they changed their tune. At least to my face they did, and there were well-wishers all around, encouraging me to go do my thing.

The first thing I did was dive head first into everything that I enjoyed, wearing all the hats. Truly, I tried to learn everything I could shove into my brain in the alotted amount of time my ass would allow me to sit in a chair each day. Writing my next novel was first priority, or so I told myself it would be. But the guilt of not bringing in as much money as I once did sort of made me feel like I had to build an at home business that might be more promising than banking on the concept of selling my next novel, since I’d only ever self-published. I had lofty ideas.

I started a podcast,…as one does in midlife when they are trying to figure themselves out. It was incredibly hard, super time consuming, and I loved ever single minute of it. I interviewed people from all over the world, we chatted about the incredible changes life throws at us and how valuable, wise, and vital we all still are even though we are past the age of fifty and gravity has long since become a real bitch. Despite the fact that we’ve hit menopause, need therapy, and are struggling to decide whether to color the gray or not, we’ve also discovered the powerful feeling of freedom that aging brings. I for one, have never been happier than I am now in my mid-fifties, (I’m fifty-five).

Along the way, I wrote a book that I queried agents about and proposed as the first in a trilogy. I started the second one, then tabled it for a wildly better idea. In between times though, I’d started a paid monthly membership to go along with the podcast, and Facebook group. I also started a book club, because obviously I didn’t have enough going on already. Did I mention I’m married too? And for some weird reason, my husband actually wanted to see my face once in a while and liked a home cooked meal periodically. This required that I get out of my cave and away from my computer now and then.

I was cruising along, nearing the two-year mark for this community I’d built, when I decided to host a live, in-person event. This went well, if not fairly small, but it was well received. I, along with my co-host who works for The Blue Zones, gave away swag, we each held a talk, and refreshments were served. It was fun. It was exhausting. I never did it again. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I realized I hate organizing shit and would much rather just show up, speak, and drink wine.

Then the most unthinkable thing happened. The person I’d leaned on my entire life and who always seemed to have the best guidance and advice for me, died. My father, my rock, the center pole to our circus in life, left this earth and I was not only shattered, I was in shock. I shouldn’t have been, as he’d been ill for a while, but you never really believe you will have to go on without your father.

But go on I did, because five days after he passed, I was scheduled to go to England, on my first ever trip abroad. I’d never even had a passport until just before this trip and although I told the family I thought there was no way I could go, they all insisted I do just that. “Dad would have wanted you to go!” they all said. Of course I knew they were right.

The trip was magical and surreal all at the same time. The majestic structures that held secrets of ancient times cast a spell on me that made it impossible to feel badly that I was actually enjoying myself, when only days before my father took his last breath. An adventurer himself, I knew Dad was smiling down at me and proud I’d been brave enough to go.

But something shifted over the next few months. Something that slowly, layer by layer started to shift inside of me again, causing me to take notice that my spirit was trying to tell me something. I had to listen.

Part of it was my deeper inner-knowing, and the other part was Dad telling me to stop wasting time doing what I thought I ought to be doing and get going doing that thing I’ve always known I was born to do. Write!

The membership long gone, the book club a thing of the past, I realized that as much as I loved the podcast, it was eating away precious time that I needed in order to be a successful traditionally published author. That has always been my dream. Self-publishing gave me the first taste of success as a writer, as my novel After the Fire, sold really well (before Covid), and the first few months I was an Amazon Best Seller. But I had to pick a lane. All the multi-tasking was not allowing me to be fully successful in either the podcast or with my books.

So I’ve announced to the Beautiful Second Act Community, that it was fun while it lasted, but those doors are closing and I’m stepping into a different place where writing will be the main event. It’s all I’ve ever truly wanted since I was ten years old and started writing stories.

The interesting thing is, after all my mentoring people to live their best life in the second half of life, I’m just now going all in for myself. Maybe the gods or spirits wanted me to create Beautiful Second Act, for the people I needed to reach. To send the message out there to whoever needed to hear it, that it’s never too late to do that thing your heart desires. To take a chance and be brave enough to challenge yourself by getting out of your comfort zone. To not only eat the cake and drink the wine, but grow as a spiritual being and allow yourself to reach higher, dig deeper, and live fully.

But most importantly, to stop disappointing yourself for fear that doing what you really want will disappoint others. We must stop betraying our own needs and desires because we are too afraid it will upset someone else. That’s the worst kind of betrayal. Depriving yourself your own longing and not being true to who you are because it suits others. No one wins if we do that.

So jump in the deep end with me my friend. Do what lights you up inside and gives you enthusiasm. When 2024 hit, I promised myself that my word for the year was INTENTION, and I’m focusing all my energy on the intention to be traditionally published. So I’ll be blogging more on this, staying focused on the writing community, author life, and honing my craft to be the best I can be. I appreciate your support.

Xoxo ~ Patti

How January 2021 Derailed Me

There is still plenty of time

January blew in like a tornado. It was unpredictable and caused some destruction. And like the aftermath of such an incident, I was left feeling dumbstruck and somewhat confused as to how to feel.

But that’s just the beginning. I have something positive I actually need to tell you, but read to the end to find out what I mean.

My mother passed away in the early morning hours of January 16th in the home of my wonderfully loving brother, and his remarkable family. They had cared for and supported our mother for many years, enduring some extremely trying times with her failing health and addictions.

I traveled to her, and was able to spend a week long visit with her during her final days on this earth, and for that I know I will be forever grateful. And although it felt like somewhat of an out of body experience, aiding someone who is about to die, I couldn’t have imagined being anywhere else.

My incredible sister-in-law had our mother’s health needs down pat, but it became unduly trying on her. I was all too glad to assist, and share in the nursing care that our mother needed at the end. Still, I felt like most of the time I walked around comatose. It was strange.

Everyone deals with loss differently. Anticipating her passing many times over the years, (she chose a rough life), I always thought I’d be prepared for it. Quite frankly, I was surprised at how hard it hit me and began writing a short story of the event as soon as I returned home.

Oddly enough, there are many small comic relief moments when someone is dying, and in our family there were quite a few. One of the things I said about the experience was, “The longest month of my life, was the week I spent by my mother’s bedside.” It was meant to be funny, but maybe I’m just twisted. Guess you will have to read the story one day.

ANYWAY… my plans for the actual book I’m writing, (my novel, not the story about mom), have been derailed more than once so far. My depression, and health scare earlier in 2020 took me off track, and finishing the book in January went out the window with the death of my mother. It’s hard to wrap your brain around plot twists and dialog when your emotions and brain are lingering in the past. The good news is I’m very close to done. It’s the editing process that will hang me up for awhile. That is where I have to remind myself that I cannot force things.

To be disciplined is one thing, but to try and force a situation to be a certain way will only create resistance for the natural flow of things and ultimately bring about that which I don’t want. But I do want to finish my book! And there is still something else, I want you to know. Read to the end and you will understand.

I am a firm believer in flow. Some call it, “to everything, there is a season.” If you are forcibly trying to make something happen, and creating resistance with stress, then it’s not going to turn out well. Instead, I have been praying for guidance, for inspiration to lead me, and show me the path of least resistance. That’s when I know I am creating something wonderful and worth waiting for, and it’s working. I’m getting closer my friends. The book is exciting me, and this past week I got back in the game.

So when I finish the book, I still plan to submit to agents. I am really feeling good about traditional publishing this go around. No matter what though, I will see where the road takes me, and however this trilogy book series is meant to be received into the world is how it will be. I will follow my heart and let intuition lead me.

I posted the first chapter awhile back in segments, for this new book I called, The Clock Tower of Maple Creek. The title may change. I will share it again as a whole chapter, not split up, in my next blog post. If you are impatient, go to my CATEGORIES on the side menu, (upper menu hamburger if on a phone), and click on the links for New Book/ Clock Tower. Remember, I may edit it myself, but once a professional editor gets a hold of it, the book can still change. I just like to share with my readers a sneak peak at what I’m doing.

January 2021, may not have started off the way I envisioned it would. Hell, 2020 certainly didn’t either, but I still believe there is plenty of time. Time for me to do what I set out to do. Time for me to get my book out this year. At least to get a contract with a publishing house this year. I’m getting older, but there is still plenty of time.

Before I sign off today, I want to let you all in on something else… something is coming. Something I have been thinking about since May, 2020. I want to support other midlife creatives, like myself, who are just getting started. Those of us who didn’t jump into the deep end of the pool until we had empty nests. Those of us who put our families first our entire lives and still have our own dreams. I want to help you. I want to be there to show you that it’s okay to have a vision for yourself, to rediscover yourself. TO DREAM BIG!

If that sounds good to you, if that resonates with you on any level, then follow along and I will help you find the magic of your heart’s true calling. We are not washed up. We are not too old, and we have so much left to do. If you are with me, leave a comment on this blog. I will make sure when I launch my new platform that I get you on the train!

As always, warm wishes my friends.

What Success Looks Like In 2020

This bizarre year has done me some favors and thrown me some curve balls that I’m still not quite sure how to maneuver. Small businesses have been hit really hard and we still aren’t even done with this Covid situation. For me personally, I started out with wonderful book sales, just to find them dwindle as more bookstores and other retailers suffered lower overall sales. So how do we begin to even gauge success in a year like 2020?

This year, I’ve reached out to people, women in particular, more than ever before. I’m not just talking about holding conversations with my friends, but I went in search of how others are finding ways to feel more grounded. I wanted to know how folks have found more gratitude, and how they’ve become less wrapped up in the negative climate that seems to encompass everything around us, and instead have embraced hope and new possibilities.

You might be wondering where exactly, did I go looking for these people. Well, I started by researching podcasts. I’ve never really been one to listen to podcasts because I guess I thought they would be a waste of time. I didn’t ever think I had enough time to listen to one. Well now…WOW! I am hooked. I can listen to podcasts while I water my yard, while I brush my teeth, put on make-up, clean the house, in the car, it’s endless. I choose to listen to podcasts that will lift me up, not bring me down. There are thousands and one of my favorites is called, DON’T KEEP YOUR DAY JOB. It’s not just about your job, but it’s more about what creative people love to do, and how the host encourages them to do their thing, AND TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT.

With all this inspiration, I wanted to give back to those that might be on the writing path. Earlier this year I made a Youtube video on how writers, in particular, could use this time that they were off work as an opportunity to create something wonderful. I still believe that, but I’ll admit, I can struggle with bouts of depression on what we cannot do. It’s hard to stay in that space of attitude for gratitude, when we are inundated with political storms, and all our freedoms are restricted. Still, I vowed to continue living well, and that meant my mental health as well as my physical health.

I really have always wanted to be successful in whatever I do, but my definition of success has changed over the years. I guess I think success should have two different definitions. One kind of success I think we all want is financial stability. That is probably the most recognized type of success. I mean I don’t think anyone would ever say, “Geez, I don’t need anymore money.” That being said, I’m not sure if anyone would ever say, “I’m successful enough.” But the other kind of success I’m interested in is the kind that is emotionally satisfying. To be successful in what you do with your time is the most gratifying feeling to me.

My husband is a retired battalion chief, but he’s also been a farmer his entire life. He’s a fourth generation farmer and although it is very trying and difficult work, he absolutely loves it. His time spent working the ranch is extremely satisfying for him and that makes him a success.

To be content with the work you chose to do, with the craft you chose to create, whether that be, (for me) writing, painting, cooking, building, gardening, or sewing, (you get the picture), you are a success if you are able to do what it is that you love to do. But what leaves me feeling stuck is I’m not living my truth. In my soul I truly feel I’m supposed to be writing and creating full time… and I’ve no idea how to do it. So I feel emotionally stifled.

So getting back to my journey of finding these people out there who seem to have tapped into the reservoir of passion and abundance, I went online and started watching videos of people that find joy in the everyday little things. I also watched more Youtubers that have figured out how to do things I wanted to learn how to do. I realized that my age is just a number and if I don’t mind how old I am while learning these new things, (how to create better videos), then nobody else will mind either.

Something I discovered in 2020 that I feel very successful for having realized, is that women in the middle…midlife,…have a unique opportunity to do things that we could never do in our younger lives. We are a distinct demographic of people that are curious and want to explore, and have more wisdom than we did when we were first navigating adulthood and parenthood. Some of us are just now waking up to the possibilities of what we can experience now that the kids are grown, or now that we no longer feel the need to prove ourselves. We have lines on our faces, and gravity can be a bitch, but we are still energetic enough to try something we’ve never been brave enough to try before.

Now is our time!

In 2020, I’ve found myself in a way I never knew before, and I think my writing is going to take me places I’ve only dreamed of. I might not be the age I wish I’d have started this journey from, but I am going to dare to dream big and say NOW is my time to make things happen.

If you are a woman in the middle, (or anyone in midlife), I want to say, take this Second Act and imagine what you can do with it. Your success is up to you. Don’t let your age dictate how you feel. It’s just a number. I mean, just look at Betty White’s career. She’s ninety-eight! In the year 2020, we might have had to overcome a whole lot of BS, but I also feel it’s been transformative. Learn something new, dare to create what you envision, and get out of your comfort zone! I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being complacent. I’m going to throw my hat into the arena, I’m going to probably make some mistakes along the way, but success for me will come when I fulfill my purpose, and that’s being a creative person.

In 2021, you will be seeing a lot of new endeavors from this gal, as I embrace my Second Act, and hopefully take you along with me.

Warm wishes to you all.

Everyone Should Do This!

Getting Away By Yourself

I’m back! I found my mojo again. I cannot tell you how great it feels to be out from the dark cloud and finding my voice again. Writers block sent me down a rabbit hole for awhile but the one thing that can always put me straight is getting away alone.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. They are my favorite people on the planet, but too much togetherness can bring about feelings of animosity if you don’t find time for yourself. This is true for anyone, but for writers especially. Writing is a solitary business. But what if you aren’t a writer? Would you still benefit from time alone? I can say, unabashedly YES! Everyone needs time alone.

For five years, I’ve found a few long weekends a year to get away on my own. Driving with the windows down, the music on, or a podcast that’s inspirational, can get you in the groove to unwind and put you back on the path to yourself. Life can be chaotic, overwhelming even, and although we’d never trade those that we love, if you are past the point of exhaustion, a few days away on your own can do wonders for refocusing, and feeling more peaceful.

Susan Squellanti Florence, wrote a book called, TIME ALONE, The gift of being with yourself. I have had this for many years and it has this passage that says, “When you take time alone, you leave the distractions of the day…and enter the secret garden of your soul.” I mean, WOW! That’s pretty deep, right? Well it’s true.

This crazy-ass year of 2020 has actually given me a gift. I talked a bit in my previous blog about how in the beginning of Covid, I was really handling things pretty well before I plummeted somewhere around the middle of summer. Anyway, one of the things I picked back up again, that I hadn’t made time for in years was to meditate. YES… I know, some of you find that too woo-woo, to do. I’m here to tell you, it’s all part of spending time alone.

Meditating is a great way to tune into your soul. Practicing stillness in a world that only moves faster, and expects more, can be very rejuvenating. When you meditate, you can really listen to what it is your body and spirit are trying to tell you. And you don’t have to be sitting cross legged in an ashram, chanting to meditate. Just practicing stillness is meditating. Quieting the mind and being in the present moment is all it takes.

I usually like to find somewhere on the coast to write. For me, being near the ocean and listening to the waves crash against the shoreline, smelling the salty air, and feeling the mist against my skin, it all releases me from life’s stressors. I feel a connectedness to the earth that reminds me I am worthy, and part of this fabulous Universe, born with a right to experience love, joy, and creativity.

When I sit down in a quiet space to write after exposing myself to a place of beauty and grace, I tap into a well of inspiration. It clears the cobwebs that have blocked me from my passion. Being in a calming and quiet place can also bring clarity to areas of your life that might have been murky before.

The view from my hotel in Albion, California

During one of my stays away, I received a call from a friend. She was literally in awe of the fact that I traveled by myself. She couldn’t fathom the idea of one, being alone in a strange place, and two, that my husband let me go. Once we established the fact that women don’t need permission to have time alone, she admitted that it’s just a little bit scary to be alone and traveling. I assured her that it was spectacular! I said, “You know that feeling when your husband and the kids are gone for awhile and you have the whole house to yourself?” she sighed and said, “Yes, I love it when that happens.” I then said, “Well, imagine that for three or more days.” THEN she got it!

The thing is, most women feel that the husbands cannot handle the household without them. That’s simply not true. But if you are not able to leave for other reasons, then at least schedule an afternoon away on your own. Pick somewhere close enough that you can be home by bedtime, or dinner time if you need to, and it should be a place that gives you utter peace, and joy. I’m not talking about a girl’s day out, although those are very much needed too. I’m talking about a place you can be alone! Solitude is key for truly tapping into stillness and being completely calm.

When you return to your chores and daily life after time spent alone, there is often a shift. Mostly it will bring you the ability to do your life with more zest, and a better attitude. But don’t be surprised if you find that you are realizing you need to make some changes. Probably you will want to make changes that bring you more of what you just had… time.

So I will leave you with this. Time alone will quiet your mind, and your heart. If you are a creative, (an artist, writer, musician, architect, chef, florist, …the list goes on and on), then you know you need time for inspiration to strike. Sometimes you have to go seeking that inspiration. Sitting in the presence of beauty and wonder can do that for you. But EVERYONE needs time alone.

A Course in Miracles, says, “Within ourselves there is a silence into which the world cannot intrude. There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost.”

I highly suggest you plan your next time away alone soon. You’ll be glad you did.

Wishing you all inspiration

*All pictures taken by Patti Diener, yes even the feature pic. I used a tripod.

What 2020 Has Taught Me

That was me… the woman in the featured picture was me when I started this book writing journey. Recently, I’ve mourned that woman. Wondered where the hell she went! Why, that woman, who never has EVER had writer’s block in her entire life, (been writing since age ten), has not only become blocked, but like the light in her creative soul has been snuffed out. Suffocated. She disappeared. Vanished! Left only behind this empty shell that wanders around aimlessly, binging on Netflix, or Hallmark Channel, and leaves a trail of unfiled paperwork, and empty wine glasses.

This other, impostor has alluded to being Patti Diener, and shown signs that underneath she might still be there if I can only uncover her. At this point I realize that the real Patti Diener, is hiding out. The thing she never thought would happen has happened, and now she’s taken up residency in the safety of the bottom of the genie bottle and doesn’t want to come out and play anymore. What’s happened? I’ll tell you. It’s what the real Patti Diener fears the most... She’s Not In Control.

That may sound like no big deal to some of you, but for people like me, who like to have some form of control over what, why, when, and where, this entire year has pulled the rug out from under me. I often say things like, “don’t move my cheese!” or “change and I don’t get along,” so you can imagine what a year like this cantankerous 2020, has done to me.

What it’s done…to…me.

In the beginning, I was handling this all very well. I was even quite proud of myself. During the days where we weren’t told much at work, (I’m a public school librarian), I tried to get ahead of the game. I knew in March, when we had to keep kids at home because of Covid, that each week they pushed back the date we’d be allowed to have kids back on campus, that ultimately the answer was going to be that we’re not. I knew in my gut that the 2019-20 school year was done. So I did all my end of the year stuff to get ahead. Because that’s what planners, or Type A personalities do. We like to have things under control.

Keeping a positive attitude was my goal. I realized I could ball up in anxiety from everything the press was telling us, OR… I could look at this all as an opportunity to write and do a bit of self care. Soul searching if you will. I was feeling the toxicity of public education when we all left anyway, so why not take advantage of this time off?

I dove head first into learning new things to promote my book, AFTER THE FIRE. I bought a program to make ads and another one to make videos and edit them. I enjoyed the creative part of these and wanted to share with other creative people, specifically in the writing community. I was having some fun. Despite the fact that I had all my book events canceled, and most of my contracts at the stores had to come to an end since they were shut down due to Covid, I was staying in a pretty good place emotionally.

There was something brewing under the surface though. Something I would never have guessed and it spun my summer out of control for about six weeks.

At first, I thought I was going crazy.

Quite literally, I was feeling myself losing it and not remembering stuff, extreme heart rates, choking feelings out of nowhere, headaches, and body pain. Then came the horrid jaw pain, pressure on my neck. NOT a sore throat. MY NECK. I’d never had this before and this down to the bone tiredness that left me so weak I had no choice but to lay down. I’d almost pass out from fatigue by around one o’clock in the after noon and sleep for hours.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I have always been a pretty healthy person. I’ve always been active, eaten really well for the most part, and had regular check ups, for which always came back as, “hey, I don’t even know why you are here because you are so healthy.” But I knew something was wrong and I had to see a doctor.

To make a very long story a bit shorter, after seeing two different doctors and thousands of dollars in tests, I was diagnosed with Subacute Thyroiditis. This is a rare condition that is basically brought on by a virus. In most cases it will correct itself. Some treatment of the thyroid can be given to help it along but so far I’m just being monitored. After a few more months I should be back to normal. The pain has gone but some of the side effects are still with me. I am healing pretty well though.

The point of that story is to tell you this one. During that scary time, you can imagine all the thoughts that went through my head. Not a lot of them were good. The next thing I did was read absolutely everything under the sun about thyroid health, and how it effects the rest of your body. The control freak that lives in my head, the bossy roommate that is the know-it-all that talks non-stop in my brain, had to know EVERYTHING she could about it. It gave me some sort of relief and I completely changed my diet. I also started taking certain supplements that really made me feel tons better. It all made me feel more in control, (are you sensing a pattern here?).

But then I realized I had to rely on my faith and intuition. I’m a healthy person. I’d say that a lot. I’m very healthy and I need to stop living in fear. But how was I going to get off that merry-go-round? Every time I thought I’m no longer trying to control something, I’d catch myself really trying to control it.

In my past, when something terrible happened in my life that I was helpless to fix, I had to learn to let it all go. This didn’t come easy. Some say, “Let go and let GOD,” and some say, “Trust in The Universe.” For me it’s all the same. I just seem to have this default of going back to my fear based thinking and believe that if I do X, Y, and Z.. I will get the results I want. It’s not always that simple.

Then I stopped and thought about the situation all around us. This year of 2020, and what some would say is a curse, or the end of times, or whatever negative spin you want to put on it. I am trying my hardest to NOT do that. I’m instead, wondering as a human being on this planet, on a journey that is mine alone, what am I supposed to learn from all this?

The month of August, I went back to what I started in May, and that was to continue on my spiritual journey and read more about letting go. I love books. Hello!…Librarian here. Any time in my life that I needed to figure out something, I’d find a book on it and read. My house is filled with self help, spiritual, and inspirational books. I love Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Don Miguel Ruiz, and Gabrielle Bernstein. But I also love the kick ass books of Tony Robbins, Dean Graziosi, Brene Brown, and Elizabeth Gilbert, for their, pull yourself up by your boot straps but forgive yourself for being human, messages. The whole, anything is possible, mentality appeals to me. I mean, why wouldn’t it?

So I’m cruising along, but still cannot write. I meditate and in one of my deeper sessions I’m hearing, “It’s okay. You have plenty of time.” Also in this meditation, I’m hearing, “An easier path is right there.”

Can you imagine my excitement?

But then I’m derailed again. After feeling this great momentum of finding my way and breaking through walls, learning to love all the little things as well as plan for the greater future, and understanding more about myself and what it is that I truly want, I spiral again. We have more of these freakin’ California fires. UGH!

Feelings of fear, defeat, anger, resentment, confusion, and loss all come crashing back. The media is worse than ever, the negativity of the world seems to encompass me, swallowing me up and leaving me feeling frozen.

It’s been a tough few weeks for anyone living in California. Especially if you live in Northern California. With the fires almost out, we still struggle with awful air quality. But it is Labor Day Weekend, and a three day weekend is still a good thing to smile about.

So I’m writing today to use this platform not only as a sounding board for my emotions, but to say that we are all feeling something. Good, bad, up, down, we are all on the same ride. Some days it’s harder than others to navigate, and we aren’t always on the same page. It feels more like being a ball on the top of the parachute in school. Remember? When we’d all stand in the MPR in a huge circle and hold onto the colorful parachute and shake, shake, shake it so that the balls would pop up and down? Am I dating myself? Well, some of us are the ball falling when others are popping up. Either way, it’s one helluva ride.

Someday it will settle down. I don’t know what the world will look like when it does, but what this year is giving me is the opportunity to learn patience. I’m not overly fond of waiting. I’m less fond of not knowing what’s behind the curtain and trusting. I like to, (you know, you can say it) be in control. But I’m being vulnerable here, by letting you all know, that for nearly two months my writing has ceased, and I’ve felt literally frozen. Paralyzed. THAT has scared me more than any of the other things happening this year.

I was listening today to an old podcast with Brene Brown, and I am paraphrasing but it was like, “Being vulnerable isn’t posting all your personal garbage out on social media. It’s being truly your authentic self and brave enough to have the courage to share that with someone. And you share with people who have earned the right to hear your story.” I thought… yes. And we all know who our special people are that we can trust and count on, who have earned the right to hear what we need to say. And right now, we all are suffering something. Find your person and get it out. You might find you feel a whole lot better.

Today, I hit some bumps. This weird year isn’t over yet, but I realize now that we are all growing, and learning. I’m fifty-two years old, and learning still more about myself every day. My biggest lesson is to learn patience and stay in the moment. It’s freakin’ hard! But every day I will continue to try. In the end, I just want peace, like the rest of us. You cannot have peace when you are trying to control everything. That I’ve learned. Still, I’m a work in progress.

What 2020 did for me…

It’s taught me that things are going to work out in the time frame that they are meant to. The longer I struggle, the longer things will seem difficult. By letting go and realizing I have absolutely no control over when, it releases me from that burden of trying. Being a stick on the river flowing along is far easier than trying to swim upstream. Even a middle aged woman can learn a thing or two. I hope my children are faster at picking these things up than I am.

As a writer, when I sat down today to write this blog, and decided to be honest and say how my writing was going, (now I’m about two months behind my self-imposed schedule for my new book), I found that the block I was experiencing is now, miraculously, lifted.

Sending you all loving thoughts. Take care.

Trying to Write Positive

A writer writes.

When you don’t know what else to do about the world around you, you simply write. I don’t know if it changes anything really, but it seems to be the only thing that helps get from one moment to the next without feeling like the whole world is spinning out of control.

Song writers, poets, journalists, (if there are any true journalists left in the world), bloggers, screen play writers, and novelists, all write during times when there is just so much building inside of them that it had to go somewhere. That’s what prompted me to start writing, AFTER THE FIRE. I wanted to create something good from all the fear, anger, sadness, and confusion that the fires in Lake County had generated. It would seem I have an ample supply of material to glean from.

I yearn for a simpler time. Right now I worry that even as I am using technology to reach all of you in this blog, that our social media, our news sources, the internet itself, all have brought upon our society suggestive ideas and opportunists have used this negatively to target us in terrible ways.

It’s become a cyclone of terror out there. I keep waiting for it all to pass, yet it seems to be gaining strength. It drains me so much that I don’t even want to know anymore. I use to pride myself on keeping up on current events, but I just don’t even want to know.

I won’t get political here. I don’t think that would help. What I will say though is I am appalled at what some people will do to have their way. None of us ever gets everything we want, but that is no reason to treat your neighbor with disdain or hatred. My father always said, ‘you can’t be rational with an irrational person.’ Then I guess I’m to believe now that the whole damn world is becoming irrational. It is more apparent every day, and it makes me sad.

One of the characters in Dean Koontz novel, FEAR NOTHING, had said to ignore the great issues of your time, therefore improving your digestion. Ok, I’m paraphrasing since I cannot find the book to quote at the moment, but you get the gist of it. I’ve said this before I’m sure. So recently, I went to Hawaii with my family and tried to ignore all problems for awhile. It worked beautifully!

However, once we arrived home, the Pawnee Fire in Lake County hit and two of my dearest friends were out there, struggling with what I know first hand, to be Hell. Very fortunately, neither of them lost their homes, but sadly, some were not quite so lucky.

Today, I tried to continue the editing of my novel, and am nearly done, but was consumed with the spectacle of thoughts roaming in my own mind, and had to blog about it. Purge the thoughts through my keyboard and maybe I will be able to get back to what is going on in my character’s minds in the book.

So I must remember, that I can only help where I am. I am most certainly not going to be able to stop others from creating havoc in the world, but I will do my best to help locally and especially with my family. I’ll do my little part. I just hope the world isn’t teetering on the brink of something more catastrophic. I think we all could use a little more MR. ROGER’S NEIGHBORHOOD, right about now. Or maybe we should all just sit around and listen to THE BEATLES, because all you need is love.

Busy Life Equals Slow Editing

Milestones

in a person’s life seem more significant after they are actually over. When you are going through the moment, it’s sometimes hard to realize, “this is actually happening.”

Our youngest just graduated from Santa Rosa Junior College with honors, in the first step of her adult education. She is propelling towards the field of Radiology, and like everything else she’s set out to accomplish in her life, I’ve no doubt she will attain that goal as well.

While sitting

in the audience of the largest graduating class SRJC has ever had, I tried to be as present as I possibly could, but my mind kept wandering back to when she was a toddler and already very much independent. Here, at the 100 year anniversary of this wonderful northern California school, I know I wasn’t alone in feeling nostalgic about my child, who is now very much a grown up. Where, indeed, has the time gone?

We were so missing our other beautiful daughter, Fallon, who has moved to Oregon, and could not attend. There was a little ache inside of me wishing she could have been there, but my heart swells with pride at how brave she is to pursue her own dreams. Sometimes in the adult world, responsibilities can be great. At least earlier in the month we were fortunate to have her come for a short visit. Also we had so much family around to support our graduate, Emma, that the family was well represented. In that way, I was extremely pleased.

Back to back events, the following day was our town’s annual Memorial Day Parade. I was getting sick with a dumb cold and stressing to try and do all kinds of, “end of the school year,” activities earlier in that week, (such as book fair at my school), that I was exhausted. But a very important guy I know was the Grand Marshall in the Lower Lake Daze Parade.

Lower Lake Daze Parade 2018 — Lower Lake Daze Grand Marshall 2018

My husband, Charlie was selected to be the Grand Marshall so I couldn’t miss that. I took some nasal spray, two ibuprofen, and grabbed a tomato-beer at the parade and was golden… for about two hours. Then I went home and slept.

Since that day, I had to finish up the school year in my librarian position I hold at a public K-7 school. Evenings have been spent nursing my cold and very little editing has taken place on my book, I’m afraid. I’d gained so much progress earlier in the month but then life sort of slowed me down. Still, I wouldn’t trade it for any deadline. My family is pretty damn cool. I am so lucky.

Now I have time to breathe. Summer break is finally here and the editing is back in motion. I can look forward to editing my book, a trip to Hawaii, some me time traveling maybe nearby for more inspirational writing, and the new blog coming too. Life is really good!

HOLY COW I’M 50! Patti Diener Looking Back

Time flies,

that is what they said and they, (the proverbial they being mostly my father but everyone older than me too), were correct. I cannot even believe today I turned 50 years old. I really don’t know where all the time went. But it’s just a number.

I spent time with a dear friend the other night over cocktails and the only thing I could say about turning 50 was that I really, with all my heart, feel like the second half of my life is going to be the best. Not that all the milestones getting here weren’t wonderful. I cannot express my gratitude for being blessed with my beautiful children, or for having such a great husband and fantastically supportive family. But there is something to be said for being a “woman of a certain age.” Frankly, I love it!

Being an empty nester took some getting used to but that too is quite lovely. When my man is out doing his thing and I don’t have anyone to cook for, I DON’T. That being said, I still eat well. I love food and not garbage food. I can eat my foo-foo food that Hubby doesn’t usually eat, (kale, quinoa salad not his thing). Then of course there is the time to write without guilt and that is also a pleasure.

The above pic was Saturday when I was home alone and in the middle of a writing marathon and didn’t want to cook. Win-win, as far as I could tell. Then the writing continued.

Looking back on my life thus far, I can say I am more myself now than I ever was before. This is because I am finally accepting myself for exactly who I am. I don’t feel any need to impress, put up a front, or put on airs. I’m just me and I am enough. Believe me, that is saying a lot. I suppose plenty of women have gone through that and hopefully most of us get over it. But I really feel good about who I am now and that in itself is a feat.

The things that I was hung up on before are gone, freeing me to be more creative and I found I’m pretty damn good company. I don’t have to be entertained in any way by anyone. Although I love spending time with my family and friends, I can be alone and not feel lonely. If I’m perfectly honest with myself, I have always been that way. I just didn’t accept it.

Growing up, I fell in love with books, reading and writing. I’d lock myself up in my room and read for hours or write stories or poetry. Any writer will tell you that is a solitary lifestyle and if you let others into that world, they must be very special. I have many wonderful people that I love and love me, but they are the ones that understand my need to be alone to write. They support my crazy desire to create and dream. They understand when I go incommunicado for lengthy times and don’t hold it against me. I’m pretty blessed.

So I’m on the brink of publishing my first novel and have a second one in the wake. I am starting my third blog that will be out, (I hope) by next month called, romancetravelandfood.com but it hasn’t launched yet so be on the look out. I’ve already set up the website, purchased my URL and security needed to run it. I also created a new email address for it so between all that and working full time, I’m one busy gal… but I’m LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

Life is a journey

and I’m looking forward to more traveling, more time with my husband, and more quality time with my family. Although as I say, I’ve come late to the party in my writing career as a published author, I’m gonna tackle that too, and write as many books as I can get in before my time is up. Even though there are more books out there than I will ever have time to read, and I know I won’t be able to write every single story idea I come up with in the time I have either, I’m still going to enjoy trying every single day.